The Awful Nude

January, 2001

I was living in Eagan with a buddy before finishing up my classes at Brown Institute. I’d been chatting up a girl named Nicole, who lived in Minneapolis. She had no picture and described herself as 5′7″ and 150 lbs. We’d talked about meeting, but no firm plans yet.

Suddenly, one Saturday morning she calls me up in a bit of a panic, saying she was stuck in a hotel in Rochester and asking if I could drive down and pick her up. On the one hand, it’s a two hour drive, it’s cold as fuck outside, and the heat in my car doesn’t work very well. On the other hand, I might get something out of this. You already know which brain won out.

Two and a half hours later, my legs were completely numb below my shins, and I was driving in circles looking for the hotel, hoping my frozen feet didn’t accidentally cause me to accelerate into someone else’s rear end. Finally finding it, I got out and went to knock at the room number Nicole gave me. A woman opens the door, and I ask if Nicole is there. “I am Nicole,” came the response that I was desperately praying against.

Remember a couple of posts ago, when I talked about the girl who said she had “curves in all the right places”? Granted, she was embellishing, maybe even misleading in her descriptors. Nicole outright lied. 150? I thought. Did you fail math? Last year, before I got recalled, I weighed about 260 lbs. This girl was twice the width I was then.

She went back inside to grab her jacket and purse, as I stood there in shock. Unfortunately, I didn’t come out of this shock in time to think about heading for the hills until one second before she walked back out, ready to go. And so began the most awkwardly quiet two hour drive that I have ever had in my life.

This is one that I met through Yahoo Messenger. Due to this one and several others, I don’t use Yahoo Messenger anymore. For anything. It is an evil piece of software conceived through the mating of a demon and a wildebeest. But I digress.

This was back in 2001 or so, when I was living in Mankato. This girl I was talking to had had some bad relationships, and apparently it made her abnormally bitter. To the point of unhealthiness, you might say. At some point, we were getting flirty during our chats, and decided we wanted to meet. Then she mentioned that if I was bullshitting her, like every other guy in her past, she’d kill me. Yep. Somehow, 21 year old Blandy moved past this huge red flag, and reasoned out that maybe she was having a really bad day, or had run into one of said exes, and went ahead and met her.

We met at the local mall, and walked around talking. In one store, they have medieval type swords and daggers. Staring at one dagger, she mumbled, “That’s hot.” I look over, and see that she’s getting visibly turned on. Great, I think, now I know how she’s going to kill me. As soon as we exited the store, I calmly told her that I didn’t think it would work out between us, and something about not having chemistry. Then I sprinted to my car. Apparently what I said worked out, since I’m still here. And I’ve learned my lesson on internet death threats. Even if they might have had a bad day, that is no excuse for being a psycho.

Nowadays, internet dating through websites, chat programs, etc. seems relatively common. At least, relative to how it was when I first tried it out roughly ten years ago. I’ve actually had a few relationships start this way, including my current one. But as with meeting women offline, the going has been rough. Obviously, almost everyone has heard some kind of horror story, but they usually involve the men turning out to not be what they seem in real life as they are online. The same holds true for women. This is just one of those cases…..

Kids these days have it easy with the internet dating. Between digital cameras and cell phone cameras, 99.9% of all people with any kind of profile on the internet have pictures of themselves to go along with them. It’s expected. One dating site, okcupid.com, even makes a joke about this on profiles with no picture. If someone sends you a message, it will automatically show a small version of their picture along with it. If there is no picture to show, okcupid will supply a line along the lines of “Hmmm, no picture…be afraid…be very afraid.” Ten years ago, when I first tried out this newfangled online dating, this was not the case. Most profiles didn’t have pictures. It was a crapshoot. To paraphrase Forrest Gump, dates were like a box of chocolates. You never knew what you were going to get.

I’d just moved to Burnsville to go to school for radio. I didn’t know many people, and I’m generally not the most outgoing individual to begin with. It didn’t help that I was 19 and most of my classmates were at least 21. If they hung out, it was at a bar, and I was screwed. My roommates were no help, either, as they were pretty much only interested in smoking pot and the occasional Phish concert.

The first site I’d tried was blinddate.com, a sort of tech tie-in with the TV show. We happened to have a scanner at the apartment, so I could even use my school ID for a picture (school info cropped out of course). I started talking to this girl from Winona with no picture, and we seemed to be hitting it off. She described herself as having brownish blonde hair, and curves in all the right places. Nowadays, of course we all know what this means, but I didn’t at the time. I just figured she had a little meat on her, which is fine. I’m not one for the anorexic chicks anyway.

We make plans, and I drive down to meet her.

This was the first time I found out that “curves in all the right places” can be used as another way to say “morbidly obese”. And “brownish blonde hair” turned out to mean “ugly orangish dyed blonde hair with two inch brown roots”. My reaction was likely obvious by the look on my face, and we both just kind of stood there awkwardly before she decided to be the one to make an excuse for why we suddenly couldn’t do something that day. I mumbled something about calling to reschedule (which I never did), and drove back to Burnsville as fast as I could.

Stay tuned, as there are more to come.

Actually I got back about a week ago, but let’s not mince words. Some movies that were seen:

Zombieland is one of the raddest things that will ever be rad. Being where I’m at actually helped going into this movie, as it was virtually hypeless other than a few friends saying “It’s really good!” I had no idea about it other than that, besides the fact that it had zombies and was a comedy. You didn’t know about the cameo? Hell, I didn’t even know Woody Harrelson was in it. And he easily made the movie.

Where the Wild Things Are was, in the words of the ladyfriend, “sad and empty”. I realize the book wasn’t exactly joyful and full of warm fuzzy feelings, but this was a real downer for a kids’ movie. And nothing really stood out in the movie to make up for that. I suppose the creatures were well done, but they weren’t anything special. Just people in suits with CGI faces, and that’s exactly what it looked like.

UP, well, it’s Pixar. Not Incredibles Pixar, but definitely better than Cars or Finding Nemo Pixar.

There’s more to write, but I’m sleepy and it’s nap time before I go on duty.

And I’m not gonna delete the last blog post…..yeah, I’m gonna waste some space on the internet. If Glenn Beck is allowed (and even PAID! the humanity!) to do it, then so am I.

of the Publicize: Twitter system. Nothing more to see here, and this will likely be deleted after the test is done.

This is just a tribute.

Tenacious D references might have been played out a long time ago, but thanks to the videogame Brutal Legend, I’ve been listening to them a lot lately. And then last night, I dreamed I wrote this wicked, badass blog post that at least boosted me to internet fame, if not world fame, but I forgot what the post was about when I woke up.

I should be going home for two weeks of leave early next week. Movies will be seen, beers will be consumed, and karaoke will be rocked.

Also, I’m extremely late to the party on this, but I started listening to a lot of Led Zeppelin lately. This is the first time I’ve really dug into their music, beyond hearing the random song on the radio or whereever. While “Stairway to Heaven” and “Immigrant Song” are great, my favorite so far is “In My Time of Dying”. I still have the last three albums to get, though, and then a comprehensive listening, so we’ll see how it holds up overall.

Also, for all two of my friends that listen to country, George Strait’s newest album, Twang, is available for $5.00 on Amazon. More than worth it, at that price.

Whether I like it or not. I have one year left on IRR, and I’m getting called back in. I’m not here to bitch about it or anything, this is just a way to get it down somewhere that I can just email a link to a bunch of people that might want to know.

On April 5th, I’m to report at Ft. Benning, GA for medical processing, and if they decide I’m good to go, retraining followed by being assigned to a unit. I have an idea of what unit, but that could change along the way. And then I’ll be gone for roughly a year, barring shortening or extending of a deployment. We’ll see.

Also, while I’m gone, this blog could turn into something more than the random (and rare) smattering of stupid that it has been so far. I have a couple ideas, but it’s a bit too early for that yet. I’ll keep any news about the whole thing posted as it happens.

Apparently Anna Paquin (pictured below) got nekkid tonight in the new HBO series, True Blood.

Even as a raging heterosexual male who loves the boobs, it’s still not worth watching this show just for the chance to see that happen. Besides, pictures should be up on the internet by tomorrow morning.